Love like this when you date

A gospel-shaped vision for relationships in a swipe-right world

If you’ve ever gone looking for a Bible verse about dating, you’ve probably noticed something frustrating. There aren’t any.
No verse about texting etiquette. No commandment about exclusivity timelines. No proverb about swiping right. The Bible is completely silent on modern dating. And for some of us, that silence has been confusing, even disappointing. We want answers. We want clarity. We want God to tell us exactly what to do.

But here’s the gift hidden in that silence: the Bible is not a rulebook. It’s a story. And stories don’t just tell you what to do. They form who you are.

That’s why Scripture hasn’t aged out. Cultures change. Technology evolves. Dating apps come and go. But the gospel keeps speaking because it shapes people, not just behaviors. And when Jesus shapes a person, everything they touch changes. Including dating.
So the question isn’t, “Is dating biblical?”
The better question is, “Can dating be brought under the lordship of Jesus?”

That’s where wisdom begins.

Dating Isn’t Biblical, But It Can Still Be Christian
Dating, as we know it, is new. For most of human history, marriages were arranged. They were communal, economic, and survival-oriented. Romance often came after commitment, not before it.

Modern dating emerged in the late 1800s and early 1900s and has slowly become what we now experience as a highly individual, consumer-driven process. Choice, preference, chemistry, and personal fulfillment sit at the center. And with apps, dating has become something like a marketplace. Options are endless. People are filtered. Decisions are reversible.

The Bible doesn’t speak directly to any of that. But that doesn’t mean it has nothing to say.
Something becomes Christian not because it’s mentioned in Scripture, but because it is submitted to Jesus. Paul does this throughout the book of Ephesians. He takes ordinary cultural realities and brings them into the light of the gospel. Not to slap rules on them, but to transform them from the inside out.
Dating doesn’t need a verse. It needs a vision.

Identity Comes Before Instruction
Before Paul tells believers how to live, he spends three full chapters reminding them who they are.
You are chosen.
You are adopted.
You are redeemed.
You are forgiven.
You are sealed with the Holy Spirit.
You are lavished with grace.
That order matters. Christianity is not behavior modification. It’s identity transformation. God doesn’t say, “Live better so I’ll love you.” He says, “I love you. Now live from that place.”
So when Paul finally turns toward how we walk, he frames everything through love. “Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children, and walk in the way of love.”
That’s the foundation for everything that follows. Including dating.
Before You Find Love, Serve With Love
Here’s the first shift the gospel brings to dating: you do not date to get love.

You are already loved.
You are not looking for someone to complete you, validate you, or give you worth. If you try to find in another person what only God can give, you will crush the relationship under the weight of your unmet needs.
Jesus’ love is self-giving, not self-promoting. He doesn’t enter relationships asking, “What can I get from you?” He asks, “How can I give myself for you?”
Most dating today is shaped by consumer questions. How do they make me feel? Do they fit my vision? Are they worth my time? But the way of love asks a different question: How can I love this person well, even if this doesn’t last?
That changes everything.
You can serve someone with love even if the relationship ends. You can break up in a way that preserves dignity. You can leave someone better, not more wounded, because you treated them as a person, not a product.
And here’s the surprising truth. When you serve with love instead of grasping for it, you become far more attractive. Love draws people in. Neediness pushes them away.

Lust Is Counterfeit Love
If love shows up to serve, lust shows up to consume.
Paul names three things together: sexual immorality, impurity, and greed. He’s not listing random sins. He’s describing one posture of the heart. A desire to take what belongs in covenant love for your own gratification now.
Lust isn’t just physical. It’s relational. It’s using affection to feel valuable. It’s flirting without intention. It’s crossing boundaries while offering emotional safety you can’t honor. It’s staying because of what you get, not because of who they are.
Love asks, “What is good for you?”
Lust asks, “What can I take from you?”
You cannot pursue love while entertaining lust. They move in opposite directions.
Paul doesn’t say this to shame us. He says it because lust always leaves damage in its wake. It trains us to see people as means to an end. And over time, that posture hollows us out.

Walk in the Light
Paul doesn’t respond to sexual brokenness with “try harder.” He says, “Live as children of light.”

Before Christ, he says, you were darkness. Not just in it. You were it. But now, your identity has changed. You are light in the Lord.
Walking in the light means living without double lives. No hidden accounts. No secret DMs. No stories you can’t tell. Darkness thrives in isolation. Healing happens in honesty.

This isn’t about perfection. It’s about openness. Confession isn’t self-condemnation. It’s agreeing with reality. It’s letting God love you where you actually are, not where you pretend to be.

The church should be the safest place to bring this stuff into the open. Dating wounds. Sexual sin. Shame. Fear. Control. None of it scares God. And none of it should disqualify you from community.

Loved First, Then Loving Others
The gospel reminds us that love always starts with God. “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” You are not pursued because you cleaned yourself up. You are pursued because God is love.

When that truth settles in, dating changes. You don’t need to rush. You don’t need to perform. You don’t need to manipulate outcomes. You are free to love without desperation.
Imagine dating without panic. Without fear of being alone. Without using or being used.
That freedom doesn’t come from better rules. It comes from deeper roots in the love of God.

Reflect:
Am I dating to get love, or am I dating as someone who is already deeply loved by God?

Practice:
This week, invite the light in. Talk honestly with one trusted believer about your dating patterns or relational fears. Let love begin with truth.